You Should Learn What Grief is Like
So many people are stunned by grief and at the time they do not understand what is happening with themselves. Yet grief is a normal reaction as are other reactions in our life. Some experienced people in this field will suggest to you that you will probably go through these seven stages of grief:-
1. YOU WILL BE SHOCKED
Shock is one of the greatest blessings that God gives to us in time of tragedy. It is a temporary anaesthesia to help us bear the tragedy that has come upon us. You will probably have seen people who have faced the most incredible tragedies and gone about their normal duties for a few days with a calm determination to live their life as normally as possible. Perhaps it may be days or weeks or even months later that the shock will wear off and the person collapses in some form or other. The kind neighbours who sit you in a corner and take over the household chores are not helping. Any person with grief needs routine duties to help them through.
As part of this shock you will dis-believe the fact of death. Not only is death not accepted but you may even argue how it cannot be so. Particularly in these days when we rarely see the dead body. Today the person is removed before death to a hospital or to an old persons’ home or to an antiseptic clinic where death takes place. Once death took place at home and the body rested on the bed in the front room and everyone knew for certain. Today many people are unsure in their shock, and disbelief and denial of death is a normal part of your grief reaction. What we cannot see we often refuse to believe.
2. YOU WILL FIND YOUR EMOTIONS WILL TIGHTEN
Somehow we are taught that it is not fitting to cry. In fact right from the time we are small children we are told to be brave and not cry when hurt, and in time of grief you may find it very hard to cry openly. If you don’t, you cry inwardly and that pain is always deeper and it lasts longer. Outward expression of inward grief is the most healthy release we can give. Do not hesitate to talk about your loved one. Use names, places and dates and cry unashamedly. When faced with the death of His friend Lazarus, Jesus – the most perfect Man to have walked this earth – wept!
3. YOU WILL FEEL VERY ISOLATED
Everyone of us who has known deep grief feels that “no-one understands”, and that “God doesn’t care”. Often even while people are telling us that they understand, that they have experienced it and that they know what you are going through, you will be inwardly disputing them. You will find that even while a minister says that God cares for you, you may want to argue that very point. Death has a way of making us feel very alone and unloved.
4. YOU WILL FIND THAT DEPRESSION DESCENDS LIKE A HEAVY CLOUD
Literature records how people have found in grief the numbing feeling of depression within them. Even the Psalmist in the Bible indicates his own feeling of depression in Psalm 42 and 43. “Why are you cast down O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me?” In another little booklet “Defeating Depression” I have closely examined the causes of and suggest a positive step by step programme to defeat that depression that comes upon us. In brief accept this fact: the depression that has descended upon you in your grief is normal and it will pass.
5. YOU WILL BLAME YOURSELF
Most of us who have lost someone very close go through a period of feeling guilty for not doing more than we did. “If only I had …”, becomes the start of every second sentence. Sometimes this is part of a bargaining process we have with God. If god will reverse the situation our lives will be different from now on. But the situation cannot be reversed. Someone has died, therefore, you are inclined to blame yourself in part for that death.
If there has been real neglect on your part you should express that feeling of real neglect to a sympathetic counsellor or friend and you should seek God’s forgiveness for what you have done.
But mostly your feelings will be of imagined neglect. Courageously you must face the truth that it would not have affected the time of death greatly if the doctor had come, or if you had rung sooner or if you had arrived earlier or if anything else had been different. It is normal to blame yourself but in fact you are probably blameless and if you have had opportunity to be with your loved one prior to death you have probably done all that was needful.
6. YOU WILL FEEL A SENSE OF ANGER AND RESENTMENT
Often this feeling may not arise until some time after the initial shock wears off. If other people have been involved in the death of your loved one – especially if death came as a result of an accident – you will feel anger and resentment at the other persons involved. They have deprived you of your loved one. They were responsible. They need to be punished. Sometimes if we do not learn to handle our grief properly that feeling of anger and resentment will persist and will leave us with a warped and twisted attitude towards other people. This is one of the most common results of traumatic grief.
Frequently the resentment will be directed towards yourself. If as we have just previously mentioned you blame yourself in part, or in total, for your loved one’s death, you will resent yourself and self-resentment manifests itself in many forms of illnesses and self-inflicted punishments.
Or it may be that you will show your anger and resentment toward God or towards one of the representatives of God in the form of your clergyman. Actually he may not mind at all if you show forth your resentment and anger at him. He understands that it is natural for you to feel like this and that it is indeed better for resentment to be expressed than to be hidden deep within.
The feelings of anger and resentment toward other people, toward yourself or toward God is quite a normal part of the pressure of grief.
7. YOU WILL FEEL THAT YOU ARE UNABLE TO COPE ANY LONGER
So many people faced with grief feel overwhelmed and you too will feel that you could not possibly continue. You may feel that you could not perform even the simplest of tasks and certainly not return to the normal routine of your work. You may find yourself disorganised and unable to cope with the slightest little thing that comes along. Physically you may become ill from your grief, especially if you have presented to the world a self-controlled emotionless exterior. Bottled grief within pays rent, and that rent is paid for in your ill health.
The great dancer, Martha Graham, tells of a woman who came to her following a performance when she danced “Lamentation”. The woman was white as a sheet. “You have taught me that grief is honourable”. Martha Graham was later told that this woman had seen her only son, nine years old, killed in front of her by a car and that over the next months she was unable to cry until she saw this dance lamentation.
If we learn what grief is like we understand ourselves and our reaction. If you are grieving you can perhaps best see your own reaction and it is of tremendous help to realize that some of your innermost reactions of which you feel ashamed are perfectly normal and are to be expected at such a time as this.
But when death comes unexpectedly …
Every death is different. With unexpected tragic death those feelings of shock, resentment, anger and inability to cope are all heightened.
Accidental death either by natural disaster or by human error throws the loved ones who are left to face the grief into a whirl. Little can ever be said or done to explain or help. Only the friendship of people who stand by you can give you the strength that God wants for you. I have personally stood beside many people whose lives have been shattered by tragedy.
Sometimes that unexpected death is of a child. Through illness or tragedy a young life of great potential is ended. Other children will accept and adapt to that death better than you. Children have a way of remembering life and laughter that today brings only tears to you. Once more only the presence of friends enables us to see through the terrible hours. As a child my father died and I remember best the presence of a few of his friends who spoke to me. As an older teenager my younger teenage brother died and I remember best the doctor who had fought to save his life speaking at his funeral the words of Jesus “I am the resurrection and the life, he who believes in me though he die, yet shall he live” (John 11:25). Once more the presence and strength of a friend enabled grief to be encountered and understood.
My study of the teaching of Jesus, especially of Matthew 18:1-14 leads me to the conclusion that while man’s ignorance or sin may cause the death of a child, or while tragic accidents and disasters may happen to end such a young life, it is not God’s will that the little children should suffer. Jesus said “It is not the will of my Father who is in Heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.” (Matthew 18:14). This is not the time to try to explain God’s intentions for us, but I rest in the confidence of this word from Jesus. God loves children and cares for them all.
The fourth most frequent cause of death after road accidents, cancer and heart trouble is suicide. When suicide touches our life every resource of love and sorrow must be called forth from us. There is no place whatever for judgement or condemnation. There is no need for shame on behalf of those closest. Instead, although it is difficult, an openness on your behalf will help others feel adequate at this time of grief.
Everyone of us at the funeral of one who has committed suicide needs to quietly say “there but for the grace of God go I”.
