Does Divorce Make People Happy?
Does divorce after separation lead to greater happiness? That is an issue that many couples ponder when the going gets tough.
Now insight comes from a new source. US commentator Mona Charen writes, “The Institute for American Values (www.americanvalues.org) has released a new study with some intriguing data about the effects of divorce on the unhappy couples themselves. It seems that another great myth is about to tumble – the myth that at least divorce makes unhappily married adults happier. Even this may not be true.”
“According to the survey conducted by a team of family researchers, unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier five years after the divorce than were equally unhappy marrieds who remained together. And two-thirds of unhappily married people who remained married reported that their marriages were happy five years later.
Even among those who had rated their marriages as “very unhappy”, nearly 80 percent said they were happily married five years later. These were not merely bored or dissatisfied whiners. They had endured serious problems, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work and money troubles.”
“Even more surprising, unhappy spouses who divorced actually showed slightly more depressive symptoms five years later than those who didn’t. (They did, however, report more personal growth.) And, make of this what you will, the divorced sample reported a good deal more alcohol consumption than the married group. The data shows that if a couple is unhappy, the chances of their being happily married five years hence are 64 percent if they remain together but only 19 percent if they divorce and remarry.”
In that study by the Institute for American Values chaired by sociologist Linda Waite of the University of Chicago, researchers asked, “Does divorce make people happy?” They found that those who ended their troubled marriage in divorce weren’t any happier than those who remained married. In fact, two-thirds of those who stayed married reported happy marriages five years later.
This is one piece of information that I wished couples had at their disposal when contemplating divorce. From years of counselling couples thinking they would be better off without their current partner, and in the hope that second or third time round, they would end with a better result, I wish I had a few good facts at my disposal that I could share with them. They look at divorce as a solution to their marital woes, a viable answer to their pain and frustration. Ultimately, however, it creates only different problems.
I had good basic information of the New Testament teaching and the attitude of Jesus Christ, which they would always receive, but would rarely consider as the defining information. I drew up a list of potential outcomes for partners after divorce, but found that most people were optimistic about their own outcomes in their situation.
In “The Australian Presbyterian” June 2006, I found Georgia Shaffer making some good suggestions. Georgia Shaffer, author, speaker and licensed psychologist works in Pennsylvania.
1. Life will change more than you realize. After divorce, both men and women may be very lonely. Not all get remarried, and their new state, desirable from a distance is often unbearable after divorce. Lack of access to children can create particular problems. One man said, “I didn’t expect to miss odd things like the towels folded neatly, shopping for groceries together, or the Saturday routine we’d established.”
Instead of two people parenting your children, if you have custody, you’re left to do it all alone. You become the sole breadwinner, spiritual adviser, disciplinarian, and housekeeper. The stress levels of this responsibility can become staggering.
One recently divorced woman said of herself and her friend, “It can be heartbreaking to see our sons during a short college break. Although we both cooperate with our ex-husbands, we still ache as we watch our innocent children bear the heavy responsibility of carefully doling out their time between the families in an effort not to alienate either parent. Although the everyday occurrences can create plenty of challenges after divorce, the special occasions are worse. Every birthday, holiday, wedding, or funeral is a potential nightmare.
One young woman, approaching marriage, is planning to walk down the aisle by herself because she has multiple fathers and is torn between her allegiances. These problems don’t end when the children grow up and marry. The hassles continue with the grandchildren. Even if you remarry, the consequences of your divorce continue to impact your life.
You can love and trust again, but the first marriage is God’s best. We weren’t meant to give up on it, but to work through all the struggles to God’s glory and our best. The tearing of the flesh may heal, but the scars are always there. Remarriage can be great in many ways if you marry for the right reasons, but it’s still not the same.
2. Your life won’t be more carefree. As a self-confident, independent woman with a fast-moving career and no children, Stephanie couldn’t wait to be free of the pain of her dying marriage. “I would no longer have to put with up his problems,” she says. “I’d be able to do what I wanted when I wanted. But after the divorce, it was my career and my home that began to hold me hostage. I was imprisoned by all the things I thought made me look good.” Divorce never brought the carefree lifestyle Stephanie had expected.
There are those seemingly hidden emotional wounds that can pop open when we least expect, or which we learn to expect on special anniversaries. Jan Coleman says: “Every Christmas, I become depressed. After 20 years it still hits me suddenly, without warning. I was first married in December, and my childhood sweetheart left me for another woman 15 Decembers later. Every year I have a weepy week.” Jan’s second husband understands and gives her the space “to grieve again for the loss of that ideal family I spent my life imagining. There are times when it hits him too. You’re never free from the effects of that broken first marriage”. Two-thirds of those who stayed married reported happy marriages five years later.
3. You trade one set of problems for another. Even the most amiable break-ups bring deep wounds. There are always consequences to divorce. “What I didn’t anticipate,” says Brad, who hasn’t remarried, “was the way my friends perceived me. All of a sudden I became damaged goods. One couple, who’d been my close friends for 20 years, became cool toward me after the divorce.”
There’s a ripple effect. Your divorce doesn’t just affect you and your spouse. It affects everyone around you. Friends often feel as if they must pick sides, so they keep their distance. Relationships with those who do remain loyal change abruptly. Church friends may stay away, feeling uncomfortable. And family members who’ve grown to love and care for the ex feel forced to “divorce” as well.
Then there are the financial ramifications. Dividing the assets isn’t always done equitably. Vern was left with only 31 percent of his retirement account even though his ex-wife worked and they had no children together. At the age of 49, this circumstance was a blow to his retirement plans. If there’s a remarriage, blending children from previous marriages brings problems that can range from emotional chaos to stoic tolerance. A recently remarried friend said: “My life is more complicated than ever. I’ve put all this effort into a new marriage, but we’re struggling. My new stepson ignores me. His attitude is, ‘I’m here to be with my dad and that’s it.’ I feel horrible — like a second class citizen in my own home.”
4. Feelings can be deceiving. Kathy, who was in her 20s and newly married, learned that following her feelings can have tragic consequences. “My husband was away a lot, and most evenings I was home alone. I felt lonely and empty. Many nights I cried myself to sleep and wondered why I ever got married. “When I met a man who made me feel alive and passionate about life, I concluded these feelings of excitement confirmed I was no longer in love with my husband. Rather than praying and giving my concerns to God, I took the situation in my own hands and moved out. I was convinced I’d made a mistake in getting married.”
Still single five years later, Kathy wishes some wise woman would have come alongside her, prayed with her, and gently reminded her that love is a choice and a commitment, not an emotion. They look at divorce as a solution to their marital woes, a viable answer to their pain and frustration. Ultimately, however, it creates only different problems.
A happy marriage is never easy. As my wife and myself plan our celebrations for our fiftieth anniversary, I reflect upon all of our friends who have found separation and divorce did not answer their problems, but which instead presented a new set of issues. No marriage that lasts is easy. It requires both partners to have patience and perseverance, forgiveness and understanding.
Rev The Hon. Dr Gordon Moyes, A.C., M.L.C.
Source: Shaffer, Georgia A Bad End: What I wish I’d known before I got divorced. Australian Presbyterian June 2006. p 29-30.
