Scripture: Joshua 24:14-15

In the year 2000 I started to write a series of small books under the general theme of Spiritual Resilience. At that time I began to realise there was a new psychological emphasis upon the need to build resilient individuals and families.

Resilience is the capacity of people to cope with stress and catastrophe. It includes the ability to bounce back to normal after a disruption. Every family will go through periods of stress and tension, unexpected accident and times of grief. These cannot be avoided in the changes of normal living. What counts is the capacity to be strong under such stress. It is one of the tasks of parents to help their children develop the capacity to cope with all that life brings.

A simple Internet search will reveal how families have learned to build resilience into their family qualities. There are psychological studies on the children of poor Vietnamese parents in the U.S.A. and Germany, children of American farmers, children in times of the Great Depression, children of poor German college students, Spaniards in Germany and so on.
There are also significant studies on the role religion plays in fostering resilience. One such study shows that when youths from problem neighbourhoods join a church their academic performance improves.

The poorer a neighbourhood is, the more church attendance helps kids academically. Improving academic performance seems to flow more from attending church than from merely believing. The church’s social life influences youth from poor communities more than doctrine does.

Church attendance also improves the physical, social, and emotional health of students. According to one study by Glen Elder: “What you have in the role of the religious community is a selected group of people who share values and are committed to the success of the child”.[

The positive emotion experienced by resilient people functions as a protective factor to moderate the magnitude of adversity to individuals and assists them to cope well in the future.
In 1994, the Australian Bureau of Statistics published “Focus On Families”, a summary of statistical data on Australian family life. It was disturbing reading. For example, the number of people living apart from families on their own was increasing rapidly. One in every five households consisted of a lone person in a house. In the ten years between 1982 and 1992 the number of people living alone had risen from 1 million to 1.4 million.

At a time when we have more people homeless than at any time in our history we have over one and a half million homes with an average of less than one person occupying them, many permanently vacant except for holiday use. Over 60% of households consist of less then three people.

The fastest growing family type in Australia was in single parent families with a 42% increase over ten years. In contrast, with only a 6% increase, is the number of two parent families. Two parent families are still the most numerous with 52%; however, this means that 48% do not have two parents in the family.

There were more people living in de facto relationships. These are usually divorced people who move into a de facto relationship before they re-marry. Once bitten they are twice shy. Generally, young people seem to have higher moral standards than such older people and wait until they are married. Non-English speaking people were the most moral in this regard with 91% not living together until they were married.

A more significant type of study is of how many of these families are strong families and how many are happy. What makes a truly happy family – a strong family? That is the question two sociologists, Nick Stinnett, Dean of the Graduate School of Education & Psychology, Pepperdine University, L.A., and John DeFrain, have been asking families for more than a decade.

Recently, the authors published their important book “Secrets of Strong Families” (Boston: Little, Brown & Co.). In it the authors discuss the secrets of family well-being.

Stinnett, DeFrain and hundreds of other researchers have studied thousands of families living under very different conditions. Most such studies focus their attention on problem families. But these two sociologists studied strong and happy families. They wanted to know how parents built resilient families.

They found that strong families, living in widely differing environments, possessed the same basic characteristics of “family wellness”. For example, a study of thriving black families in the United States found them to be similar to healthy white families. Stinnett and DeFrain also asked: “Would strong families in other parts of the world be like U.S. families?”

One researched Russian families; another Central and South American families in Bogotá, Colombia. Another investigated family strengths in families from Germany, Austria and Switzerland. Another researched Black families in South Africa. The 3,000 happy families that were analysed came from all economic levels, different races, differing educational levels, and were of varying ages and social strata.

As a group, these families exhibited six recurring qualities. “One of the most amazing things about the research, is that these six qualities were mentioned time and again in our contact with these families.” They found that in spite of cultural, political and language differences, all the families – in every country – shared these six attributes. The families studied were happy and strong. They were involved in meaningful relationships with each other. That does not mean they were problem-free. They experienced trials and difficulties as weak families do. But through their trials these families remained strong and cohesive, resilient!

Why? Because resilient families possess qualities that help them effectively surmount the difficulties and challenges of life. They do not succumb to problems; they surmount them. The families studied by the two researchers had to possess three underlying characteristics before being included in the “resilient family” group. The couples had to exhibit a high degree of marital happiness; parent-child relationships in the family had to be satisfying; and family members had to do “a good job of meeting each other’s needs.”

Interesting enough a similar study by Dr Moira Eastman of Melbourne, (“Family: The Vital Factor”), which will be the subject of a later study, replicated these results from Australian families.

The six underlying characteristics of strong families were deceptively simple. One could ask the obvious question: Why isn’t every family a strong and happy one? The reason is clear; putting the principles into practice takes a great deal of effort. “Understanding what we need to do to make our families work happily together is only the first step. Achieving it is a great leap that takes the rest of our lives together.”

Yet, there are many families, some working under the severest of handicaps, which seemingly are able to practice these six important principles. As the authors point out: “These powerful principles are not our invention. They have been shared with us by the real experts: thousands of strong families.”

We want to know how to build a resilient family. I suggest that these six principles, if applied, could help you grow a resilient family.

FAMILY MEMBERS ARE COMMITTED TO EACH OTHER

Members of these elite resilient families are committed to each other. They value the family as a unit above their own individual needs and desires. It is not that they do not have hard times. But these problems do not destroy their commitment to each other. They strengthen it. One couple put it this way: “We give each other the freedom and encouragement to pursue individual goals. Yet either of us would cut out activities or goals that threaten our existence as a couple.”

Here is a commitment to each other for the sake of the family. It is the Christian virtue of putting others first. As the Apostle Paul put it (Philippians 2:2-4) “be like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

FAMILY MEMBERS APPRECIATE EACH OTHER

Resilient family members value each other. They can both express and receive appreciation. They express praise to each other; how unlike those families that carp and criticise each other.

Strong families talk positively about each other. They talk to each other and to outsiders. One husband answered a researcher’s question: “You asked what my spouse does that makes me feel good. Well, I’ll tell you. She doesn’t harp on my faults and shortcomings. Being a human, I have a few. She remembers my accomplishments, good deeds, and pluses. Sometimes I forget them and she reminds me I’m a pretty decent guy.”

Resilient families appreciate the contribution of each member, even the youngest and the frailest. They say “thanks” often. That is a second step towards making a resilient family, to grow in appreciation.

FAMILY MEMBERS COMMUNICATE TOGETHER

One researcher has estimated that the average family spends only 17 minutes in conversation each week. How short a time is this? Stinnett and DeFrain reminds us that there are 10,808 minutes in each week. Unlike the average families, strong families communicate often and communicate without fear. They talk about anything and everything.

They also listen with interest. If a member of the family is not communicating, they find out why. “What is the problem? Let’s talk it out”. They seek to solve the difficulty and to understand each other.

Resilient families communicate honestly and openly. Members do not bully, outwit, blame, dismiss, dominate or control each other. A resilient family grows when each member cares for each of the others and spends time in communicating at a “gut” level. A head level shows you understand logically, but a “gut” level is at the level of feeling what the other is feeling. True Christian families weep, laugh and rejoice together.

FAMILY MEMBERS SPEND TIME TOGETHER

1,500 schoolchildren were asked: “What do you think makes a happy family?” The most frequent answer was: “Doing things together.” This is a characteristic of resilient families. They take time to be together. They suffer from a shortage of time. They are bombarded by demands on each member’s time. But resilient families are aware of their need to spend time together.

As one parent commented to Stinnett and DeFrain: “We discovered early in our parenting years that family times don’t just happen. They have to be planned. If we don’t watch out, we end up scattered all over town.”

Resilient families have discovered a secret of planning time by their use of God’s day: Sunday. Australian journalist Julie Nance, writing in a recent issue of the Sydney Morning Herald, stated that she believes families are discovering Sunday again. “In theory, Sunday is supposed to be a time for leisure, togetherness and “quality time’. But for many couples frazzled by the week just past, Sunday turns out to be a day of reckoning”
.

“Relationship experts say differing expectations by men and women on how they want to fill these precious hours often lead to friction and resentment. While the woman may view Sunday as a chance for her partner to share the burden of housework and child rearing, the male wants nothing better than to switch off and relax. Alternatively he may feel trapped or pressured when she makes it abundantly clear that Sunday is “our day”.

While men consider the weekends as time off to be planned for and enjoyed, women view the time ahead as the “two days from hell”. “It is the only time to clean the house, do the laundry, organise the shopping, cook something special, have his parents over, have your parents over and fit in going out as a family. Do you wonder that by Sunday night she has had it?””

A few years back an important pact was made between a husband and wife at Bondi. They agreed Sundays must be set aside as “our day” in a bid to stop their seven-year marriage from going stale. While he was the owner of two gourmet takeaways and a cafe, she was litigation support manager for a major law firm. Six-day weeks filled with stressful workloads were taking a toll on their relationship.

Martin, 38 at the time, said, “A year ago we were not communicating. We reached a crisis point in life. What’s the point of living together if you don’t talk together? You lose touch and stop relating to each other. So we decided we had to make some fundamental changes and one of those was to try to leave Sundays blank. About 90 per cent of the time we spend at Bondi now. We try to avoid using the car.”

Maree, then 32, said she knew a lot of corporate men who chose to play golf with their mates on their precious day off, instead of spending time with their partner. “I know quite a few couples who hardly ever see each other and do their own things on weekends. Martin resented it at first, our having a schedule for the weekend, but that is our way of life at the moment. You just can’t wait for the other person and hope they will be there when you want them to. The big key is communication and we’ve got a lot better at it.”

You can help build a resilient family by communicating together, by spending time together.

FAMILY MEMBERS COPE WITH PROBLEMS TOGETHER

Problems pull resilient families together; difficulties pull weak families apart. That is the difference. Stinnett and DeFrain point out the great value of both nuclear and extended family members when difficulties arise.

They all pitch in to help the family make it through a crisis. Because of the prior commitment and open communication channels, strong families seem to know how to solve problems together. “It isn’t too hard to see family willingness to pull together as an expression of their commitment to each other,” write Stinnett and DeFrain.

FAMILY MEMBERS SPIRITUALLY BELIEVE TOGETHER

Spiritual wellness or well-being is a quality rarely discussed in sociological studies, but today researchers in resilience have identified spiritual wellness as a vital factor in resilient families as remote from those living in Afghanistan, Belfast, and in USA after the 9/11 terrorism attacks and Hurricane Katrina destruction.

Stinnett and DeFrain found it as a recurring motif among strong and resilient families. Though the families came from a wide variety of religious backgrounds, they possessed what the authors’ term “spiritual wellness.” They define this in many terms such as: integrity, honesty, loyalty, conscientiousness, virtue, ethics, values, usefulness, self-esteem and significance. The old adage “A family that prays together, stays together” has new relevance when spiritual values strengthen family life.

Resilient families possess a certain dimension of character. They live by a code of behaviour that far transcends the shallow selfishness often possessed by the characters of a typical television soap opera.

When Jesus Christ referred to a man and woman who had bound themselves in marriage, He said: “So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matt. 19:6). Thus a union of profound breadth and depth takes place between two, previously separate, human beings. Those who actively seek to emulate this spiritual ideal in their marriages experience true marital and familial wellness.

The resilient families we know, believe in and practice the concept of oneness as the Bible defines it. They feel as one; they commit as one; they cope as one; they communicate as one; they share as one; they spend time as one. And as a family they share spiritual wellbeing. As Joshua said: (24:14-15) “Now fear the LORD and serve him with all faithfulness…as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”

Inside every human heart is a need for spiritual fulfilment that draws us towards God. Our families are usually the first place in which this spiritual need is nourished. Christian families bear witness to God’s saving love through their daily lives, and parents, by sharing their faith with their children, continue Jesus’ ministry of love to the world. Nothing is more important than for Jesus to be the centre of your life.

When families are communities of faith, a powerful sense of meaning and direction pervades all that you do. The routine of family life takes on an added significance because faith is expressed in the simple actions of love and care that fill daily life. It is possible for each family to build a resilient family.

Reference:
“Secrets of Strong Families”, Nick Stinnett and John DeFrain, Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1985.

REV THE HON DR GORDON MOYES AC MLC

Monday, 3rd May, 2010, 11:44 am | Articles, Bible Studies