Scripture: Micah 6:1-8

My wife and I sat together in our chook house watching one of our new chickens hatch from its egg. The new life was scratching and struggling against the confines of shell and embryonic sac. The hen was picking at the shell to free its new offspring. Soon we were grandparents of five new offspring.

It was not a typical family, though. The mother hen did not realise that we had taken her eggs and substituted fertilised ones. Further, the rooster was not ours and was an absentee father. Further, the mother hen apparently did not notice that she was white, but her newly hatched chicks were all black. My wife became grandmother to a new family, separated from their father and with a substitute mother.

Grandmas are needed today by separated families. Grandma represents good old-fashioned qualities. That is why advertisers promote Granny Davis bread, Grandma Molley’s soap, Granny May’s Paper, Granny Showed Us How craftwork. But there is more to granny than delicious Christmas puddings, jam with red checked cloth tops and quality mustard pickles.

A little girl drew an old woman in a rocking chair, replete with shawl, granny glasses and crochet hook. Her teacher said: “Is that your Granny?” “O No” she replied, “Nan is skiing down at Thredbo this week”. There is a new role for many grandparents in this era.

1. FAMILIES PROVIDE OUR GREATEST SATISFACTION

Some time ago The Melbourne Age newspaper released the result of a survey which had found that 91% of Australians usually spend Christmas with their families. And 98% did so because it was enjoyable and good for family relationships. Almost 96% said the occasions were peaceful rather than argumentative, and 93% found them relaxed rather than tense.

The Australian Institute of Family Studies survey of eighteen to thirty-four-year-olds found that 70% believed that marriage is for life, 80% said marriage provides love, warmth and happiness, and 88% of men and 85% of women said that one’s really important relationships are within one’s home.

Then the Australian Values Survey asked how relaxed people felt at home: over 80% said ‘often’ and only 2% said ‘rarely’. In a further Saulwick Poll, 70% said that the greatest satisfaction in life was family. (“The Magical Power of Family” Moira Eastman, Collins Dove 1991). There is nothing more wonderful than family life when it is working well, and few things worse than family life when it isn’t.

2. FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS DETERMINE OUR FUTURES

In “Daddy, We hardly Knew You” Australian author and radical feminist, Germaine Greer, reveals how family experiences can shape a person’s attitudes, interests, and life-course. As one of the best-selling authors of the last quarter century, Germaine Greer has had an enormous impact on women’s issues. The picture Germaine paints of her family life is of a distant, non-involved father, and a feather-brained unresponsive mother.

Her bitterness with her parents is intense. She cannot get over her father’s abandonment of her to go to the war. When he does return, he persistently refuses to teach and guide her, to share himself with her or to show her any affection.

“Some children can remember their fathers reciting poetry or Marlowe, or teaching them to recognise birds and butterflies, to spot trains, to play chess or cricket. But you, Daddy dear? Not a curve-ball, not a cover-drive, not a card-trick. Not a maxim. Not an adage or proverb. Except “You’re big enough and ugly enough to take care of yourself”“.

But an even worse disillusion lay ahead. Approaching fifty, Germaine decided to write a book on her father. One of the few things that she knew about him was that his first meeting with her mother was a chance encounter in Collins Street in Melbourne. In doing the research for her book she was to discover that not one item of his account of himself before that day was true. He kept his identity and past a secret from his wife and children for fifty years.

The following story with which she concludes her book seems to sum up her sense of not having been given what she needed: “I remember being given once a pottery figure of a lady spinning. Her arms moved back and forth and her wheel really went round. She seemed the more wondrous and intricate to me, because as a result of the war I had no toys except the kangaroo and the rabbit that my mother made of felt and stuffed with such vim that they were hard as rocks. I picked up the spinning lady to see what made her spin and lo! a quantity of sand ran out of her and she spun no more. Perhaps if my parents had told me what I needed to know I would have my spinning lady still. Instead I was beaten and told I was a destructive child. I didn’t need the beating for I was crushed already. I had owned my first mechanical toy for only half an hour.” (“Daddy We Hardly Knew You”, Hamilton Ltd., London, 1989, p.2.)

No feminist writer has been more articulate and effective than Germaine. But is it a surprise she speaks as she does when we know her family experiences? Germaine Greer’s stories are illustrative of how family experiences mould our whole lives. We may build on the strengths we found there. We may rebel against the constrictions and pain we experienced.

We may resolve that our children will never experience the hardships we felt growing up. But in one way or another we will be affected by our experiences and their impact will be evident in the way we live and bring up our children. The impact can be particularly severe if our family relationships are broken and unstable.

3. FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS CAN FRACTURE AFTER DIVORCE

When children’s families are disrupted by divorce, whom do they see as their family? Children’s representations of their families were analysed by Kate Funder, the principal research fellow at the Australian Institute of Family Studies. She found that: “Children represented their families in this way: all children nominated their mothers, whether or not they lived with them; 9% of children excluded their fathers who lived elsewhere; stepfathers who lived with the children were as likely to be seen as family as were the children’s own absent fathers.”

Children appeared to be more comfortable with their stepfathers than with stepmothers. Only 15% of children wanted to be closer to their stepmother, but over 30% wanted their stepmother further away. But over half of the children saw grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins as being part of their family: “an extended family can play so many important roles in children’s lives, ways of maintaining the links on both sides of the family are needed.” (“Parents and Children after Marriage Breakdown” “Family Matters” No. 26 April 1990.)

4. THE IMPORTANT ROLE OF GRANDPARENTS AFTER DIVORCE

The extended family, especially grandparents, play an important role in the security of children. That role of grandparents is constantly changing. Modern grandparents have less authority and less financial control over families. Their relationship with grandchildren is more affectionate and open because that status gap has disappeared. What grandparents can do best is to develop ties of love round their families and grandchildren, especially when they see their children’s marriages break down and divorce divide the family they love.

For with the divorce, the grandchildren are often taken away, too. The children find they cannot visit the grandparents they love. Suddenly they are cut off from the very people who are best placed to help them cope with family changes. The presence of the original grandparents may be the one stabilising factor in the whole sorry mess, and the best interpreters to the children of what is happening.

Grandparents can sustain children by their affection and link them with a family culture stretching back through the generations. They may also be a source of practical and financial help to the family, and provide a sense of acceptance and identity for children beyond their parents.

Yet the law requires no assumption of responsibility on the part of grandparents. The role is voluntary, and the extent children understand grandparents to be part of their family varies widely. Women appear to be the “kinkeepers” in our society, forging links between the nuclear family and extended kin – grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Such women are very important in maintaining social relations through monitoring family members behaviour, being the hub of family communications, observing celebrations of birthdays and family festivals through gifts and practical exchanges.

Through the eyes of children in the Institute For Family Studies’ “Parents and Children After Divorce Study”, we have some insights into the position of grandparents in children’s families some years after parental separation. The children, aged between eight and 21 years, were asked to nominate who was in their family, and to construct a family sculpture by placing figures on a checked board to show how close they were to each member.

The children also re-formed the family the way they would like it to be. The children were asked how frequently they saw their different grandparents, and whether they would like to see them more, or less, or about the same. 78% saw their family going beyond households into the extended kinship systems. Children whose parents have divorced, appear to maintain a sense of family which goes well beyond the split.

About half the children included grandparents as their family, but many children did not include all their grandparents in their families – some were perceived as family and others not. Blood ties are insufficient to explain family membership but instead, ties of contact and affection explain inclusion of grandparents. Fewer than 10% reported never seeing grandparents. 55% saw them occasionally, and 35% saw grandparents at least monthly. Children perceive grandparents as part of the family depending on frequency of visits.

Young people appear happiest with occasional visits with grandparents due to their desire for more independence from the family in general. The families children construct after parental separation usually include extended kin, most often grandparents. Grandparents are important in children’s sense of family, but children are selective in which grandparents they include. How should the grandparent then seek to relate to a family that has been divided by divorce?

Micah, the Old Testament prophet shows us how (Micah 6:8) “He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

i. GRANDPARENTS ARE TO ACT WITH FAIRNESS

“And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly.” It is always one of the great characteristics of God, that He acts with justice and fairness.

Grandparents who are called upon to live with different parts of a separated family quickly learn that they must speak and act with fairness and justice. Their family members will try to find if the grandparents favour one part over others, and will seek to seduce the grandparent into special regards and favours. But the grandparent who shows partiality and favouritism soon loses the trust and respect of the other parts of the family. Good working relationships demands fairness and justice.

The Lord requires of us that our religious faith should be based upon justice. It is also true that our relationships with other family members also require justice. In the divorce or separation, there has been much bitterness and suspicion, particularly as there is usually unfair distribution of the family’s assets including the family home, superannuation and possessions.

Parties to the distribution rarely agree on what is an adequate and fair distribution. Grandparents are often called upon to arbitrate, express opinions, support claims and provide extra support for one party.

Because their own child is party to the divorce, it is natural to believe your own offspring is the one most hardly done by. But grandparents must learn justice and fairness in order to effectively support all of the persons involved, including the children who may have been getting a very jaundiced and unfair view of the marriage break-up.

To act with justice and fairness rarely wins friends among those who want preferable treatment and biased judgements. But the long-term interests of the children require that grandparents speak, support and love fairly.

ii. GRANDPARENTS ARE TO ACT WITH KINDNESS

“And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy.” Justice must always be dispensed with kindness and mercy. That is a quality in true religion required by God. It is also sound advice for any grandparent living with a separated family. People who have been through the hurt of separation and divorce are frequently hurt, bitter, and suspicious.

No one goes through such a huge change in status without being affected. All involved are hurt. After fair and just treatment comes the softness of kindness and mercy.

In every gathering in which there are separated and divorced people there is a great need for a word of kindness and mercy. That is why, on every occasion in which I have spoken of these dreadful family divisions, I have also spoken a word of encouragement to those single parents among us who are working so hard to bring up their families with integrity and purpose; and why, whenever I have spoken of the social impact of broken families, I have always spoken a word of comfort for those in our midst who are making such a commitment to their children’s’ future that they worship God here in our midst.

These people are modern heroes making the best of very difficult circumstances. All grandparents should leave judgemental attitudes behind. What has happened to their children and their spouses has happened. It is now behind them. The milk has been spilt. There is no use continuing to cry over spilt milk. Instead, the future lies ahead, and grandparents have the task of speaking with kindness and mercy to help the family face its future.

God deals with us in kindness and mercy. He knows the burdens we are bearing. In the same verse as Isaiah says: “In faithfulness He will bring forth justice, he will not falter or be discouraged until he establishes justice on earth”. He starts by saying: “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not stuff out.” (Isaiah 42:3-4) He knows your weaknesses and deals justly and fairly with you but also with mercy and kindness.

So also grandparents must learn the difficult art of balancing justice with mercy. That is the heart of Portia’s wonderful speech in William Shakespeare’s play “The Merchant of Venice.” She told Shylock that even though justice was on his side, mercy should temper justice. She ends,
“Therefore, though justice be thy plea, consider this,
That in the course of justice none of us
Should see salvation: we do pray for mercy,
And that same prayer doth teach us all to render
The deeds of mercy.”

iii. GRANDPARENTS ARE TO MODEL CHRISTIAN FAITH

“And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Grandparents are the key people in modelling what it is to worship God, live by faith, and pray for their families. This is the most important contribution grandparents can make. It is surprising how often researchers into the wellbeing in families discover that strong and happy families usually have spiritual values, rituals and beliefs. The “Back to the Family” study (Ed Ray Guarendi, Villard Books, New York 1990 p28) in the USA, interviewed one hundred families who had been chosen by the National and State Teachers of the Year as the healthiest families they knew.

90% of the families had a core of spiritual values and beliefs. Originally, there was no intention of asking about spiritual values and beliefs, but because the first ten families raised the issue spontaneously, a question was included in all later interviews. The interviewers were surprised that when parents were asked, “What is your single most helpful childrearing activity?” they replied, “We prayed”.

There are sound sociological reasons to support the personal experience of many families that their religion or spirituality is a major help in creating good quality family life. Religious affiliations and spiritual values often help create a network of support around the family. They help the family deal with the inevitable losses of family life and help sustain commitment to family.

Grandparents are what the Bible calls “the keepers of the Springs”. They are the ones best placed to be a solid spiritual rock for the family. They are the ones best placed to objectively pray for their family and support each one by an example of Christian living and consistent prayer.

Nothing can be more important for those family members than to know that grandma and grandpa are earnestly praying for them. Never be too shy to inform your children and grandchildren that they are in your prayers. They want to be in your will. Tell them that they are in your prayers. They will never forget that, and that knowledge may actually do them more good than being in your will!

Every family that knows separation needs to know the wonderful security and stability of grandparents who can speak and act with justice and kindness, love and mercy, prayer and faith. So commit your life to God that your responses to those whom you love, are natural and known.

Tuesday, 11th May, 2010, 12:54 pm | Bible Studies