I am on the Board of Trustees responsible for Mangrove Mountain Retreat. This fabulous centre was designed and built for young people who are in conflict with their parents. It was built by Wesley Mission when I was Superintendent, but is today operated by Youth Insearch under a trust. This work has helped stabilise over 25,000 teenagers. A former teacher, youth worker, and training and development manager, Ron Barr founded “Insearch” in 1985.

This is a program for teenagers who are in trouble with family and the community. Of the 25,000 children who have been through the program, he claims an 80% “turnaround” rate. The organisation is funded largely through public donations through groups like Rotary Clubs.

Of the 8000 children who attended Insearch camps in one year, analysis revealed that 45% had been sexually assaulted, 90% had experimented with drugs, 50% had contemplated suicide, 25% had tried suicide, and 60% came from dysfunctional homes. 35% had been sexually abused by the age of 16. Of those abused, 85% of the perpetrators were family members, family friends or someone “close and trusted”. “Insearch” has revealed a dark underside of family life. The problem of child abuse is an overwhelming one. The murders of several children this year have shocked the public. NSW alone had 22,682 reported and suspected cases of physical, emotional or sexual abuse, with 11,000 cases later confirmed. Studies indicate that only 10% of child abuse cases are reported to the authorities.

The incidence of child abuse correlates with the high incidence of families having children the second-time round. This is a shorthand way of speaking of blended families, step families and de facto families where the children belonged to at least one other parent not in the present relationship. Frequently children born into a second or third marriage may bring a lot of joy to the parents as a seal of their love together. More often than not, it can bring tension and poor relationships. When a child is missing, police usually look closest at the stepparent in the marriage.

Blended families refer to the parents and children who, due to remarriage, now belong to a new family setting. Second marriages may bring together his children and her children and then their children. Frequently the stepchildren, especially younger teenagers, have difficulty adjusting to the new parent and many leave home. I spent 50 years working with kids I had on probation or parole, or who were in youth groups I conducted or as Street kids in some inner city programs I ran at Wesley Mission. Most of these have been dropouts from blended marriages or failed marriages.

I know a mother who has fostered her own teenager’s unwanted child, thereby starting a new family of her own perhaps fifteen or twenty years after her own childbearing ceased. I know Grandparents who have taken over caring for their grandchildren when the parents have been killed, or jailed, or were not available for parenting. In the Bible, Jacob had twelve sons by four women, six by his first wife, then four by two female servants of his wife and then in old age he married Rachel and had two sons, Joseph around whom much of the book of Genesis revolves, and later Benjamin.

Jacob loved his second wife who was much younger than himself, and when she produced her first son, Joseph, the silly old man thought he was Super stud! Jacob “loved” Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made a richly ornamented robe for him. When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him.” (Genesis 37:3-4). The teenager Joseph paraded before his older stepbrothers and told them of his ascendancy over them through dreams he had. No wonder the older stepbrothers wanted to get rid of him. But who was at fault? His dreams were nothing but the ideas planted by his silly old father, who reinforced his preference by making Joseph an ‘amazing technicolour dreamcoat’! His coat was the symbol of his preferential treatment by his father. Sibling rivalry is usually caused by foolish parents!

How many times has a parent come into a ready-made family, taking the children of the former marriage, only to hear the words: “You’re not my REAL Mum! You can’t tell me what to do!” The door slams and another young teenager, who centuries ago ran away to sea, runs away to Kings Cross, as the words pierce his new stepmother’s heart. Such cries echo in thousands of homes, splintering relationships and shattering dreams of blissful family life.

About one in every five children lives in a reconstituted or “blended” family. Since 2005, families with stepchildren outnumber families raising their own children. As in nearly all families, the bulk of childrearing falls upon the stepmother, who, ever since the fairytale “Cinderella” has been given the title “wicked”. The role of being a stepparent is draining and demanding. As one said, “Being a step-mum is harder than biological parenting, and the delights are fewer.” With so many adults caring for children the second time round, their own or those they have inherited, how does a Christian cope? Here are a bunch of suggestions.

KEEP A CLOSE, OPEN RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE.

Marriage and children arrive at the same time for a blended family. But the marriage is still the primary relationship and therefore must be nurtured. The failure rate for second/third marriages tops the divorce rate for first marriages. Often, the strain of raising children is too much for a remarried couple.

“It was his children, not my husband, that I wanted to divorce,” said one step-mum. “They drove a wedge between us and nearly destroyed our marriage and each other.” So the parent the second time round, must work to build a good relationship with his or her spouse. Seek counselling, if necessary, to build skills in communicating your feelings. Clarify and deal with issues before they become problems. Make decisions together. Often a child is jealous of the love of their natural parent being expressed to a new parent. Children can feel responsible for the other parent’s absence.

LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS.

Your dreams of “one big happy family” often set you up for a big fall, resulting in bitterness, guilt and jealousy. It takes a few years for a stepfamily to begin to be a family. Be patient and realise it may never fully come. But as respect for you grows, so will your authority.

AGREE ON A PLAN OF DISCIPLINE.

With your mate, develop a plan and then present a united front to the children. At least initially, the major part of discipline should be administered by the natural parent, who must clarify to the children that the step-parent possesses authority to discipline in his or her absence. After divorce, children suffer by bouncing between households where standards of behaviour differ. When co-parenting with the “ex”, try hard to maintain consistency and avoid an emotional tug-of-war.

Discipline in a blended family includes combating the universal phenomenon: the “Poor Little Thing” syndrome. This occurs when children are not held accountable for their behaviour in an attempt to “make up” for the painful realities of separation. Many people feel it is hard to discipline a child who has been through so much. If left unchecked, such an attitude guarantees the creation of a spoiled brat.

ACCEPT YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR SITUATION.

One difficulty in step-parenting is accepting a child’s looks, personality, habits, manners, behaviour, style of dress, speech, choice of friends and feelings – all of which had no contribution from you. You might not even like these children, who may resent and reject you. But you have accepted some degree of responsibility for their care. Forget about “getting married and living happily ever after.” No family does. Time spent wishing for a “normal” situation is wasted. You have married into this family, so accept it as it is and make the best of it. Good omelettes can still be made with broken eggs!

LET CHRISTIAN LOVE DIRECT YOUR BEHAVIOUR.

An intense feeling of love for stepchildren may never come. That is okay. Keeping a child’s best interest at heart in loving ways represents the best of parenting. If you act out of Christian love – which means showing the utmost care for each child – you will do justly towards the child, and perhaps encourage a growth in love between you. But in any case, check your behaviour by the standard of Christian love. Jesus said, “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me” (Matthew 18:5). When loving is hard, treat the child as though Jesus is asking you to love this child for Him. “I’ll do this for you, Lord” has gotten many a stepparent over a rough spot.

PRACTICE FORGIVENESS.

You will have to learn to forgive your stepchildren, your husband, the other influential adults in your blended family, any interfering in-laws, those who gossip about and criticise you, and a host of others. Realise that all the responsibility for the success of your blended family does not rest on you alone. Every problem your stepchild faces does not stem from the fact that he is a stepchild. Neither take all the credit, nor all the blame.
One of the worst ways we have of handling our guilt relates to our children. We try to compensate to them for what we subconsciously feel we have done by depriving them of their other parent, even if it was by death or accident. We try to buy their favour by our favours.

Many fathers who have access, visit their children with lavish gifts and good times. Children are quick to recognise a good thing and will take advantage of such indulgences. What is the father actually doing? He’s trying to assuage his own guilt over the failure of the marriage. The mother, who is quite often given custody of the children, may not have the same financial resources to do the same, and anyhow knows that disciplined living is best for the child, and so is seen as a mean mother. Children can become adept at pitting one parent against the other. The long-term effects can be devastating for all concerned.

Particularly when remarriage occurs, the guilt level can rise alarmingly fast. You have to learn to forgive others: the interference of the separated parent, the sniping remarks of in-laws, the subtle guilt that is undeserved and most of all, you have to seek God’s forgiveness of yourself.

The former partner has insidious ways of getting back at the ex-spouse through their children: by spoiling vacations and access visits; by failing to give the child a message from the other parent; saying disparaging things about the ex and the ex’s family; using the children as carrier pigeons insisting that they relate what is going on in the other parent’s new marriage and rehashing what contributed to the marital failure in the presence of the child. We all have much to forgive.

TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF.

The pressing needs of a blended family can sap you physically, emotionally and spiritually. Refresh yourself in time alone with God, with special friends and with a hobby or sport you enjoy. Increase your self-esteem, take a class, read all the books by a favourite author, volunteer at a hospital or start a stamp collection. Choose a relaxing activity that will reduce stress in your life. Balance is your goal.

You will need support, someone in whom you can confide, someone who will listen non-judgmentally and accept you unconditionally. Stepparenting can be a lonely job. A support group will help fulfil Paul’s advice (Gal 6:2) “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ.”

One Australian myth makes it harder for Australians to be nurturing parents. Our belief in our self-sufficiency started with those bush pioneers who came to the Great South Land, cut off from relatives and friends. The settlers moved out to set up farms in the bush, coping on their own became a way of life. This attitude of self-sufficiency is now inbred within us.

But there is great danger here when we allow pride to say, “I don’t need anyone else – and I certainly don’t need God.” Many Australian parents fall into that trap, especially men. We believe that if we let others see what we are really like, they will reject us and we will be destroyed. It is as if we put on armour to protect ourselves. We think that everyone else has it together, so we go around pretending we are strong and capable even when our insides are screaming for help.

We assume there is no one to help when it all gets too much. No other society in history has asked this of its families; but we swallow this myth.

We stiffen in our pride and self-sufficiency, not ready to admit to anyone that our family is having a rough time. To seek counselling or to go to parenting courses is seen by some as a sign of weakness and an admission of failure. To be nurturing parents, we need each other’s help. Once we stop thinking that OURS is the only family with problems, we might be game enough to admit it to others.

BUILD A STRONG RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHER BELIEVERS.

Read your Bible, pray, and worship with other Christians. God understands all your feelings, triumphs and defeats. He guides you over those rocky spots. And He keeps your secrets. Involvement with other believers helps in a practical way. If you are part of a loving Christian community, helping to meet the needs of others, it will be more natural to take responsibility for the nurturing and care of children other than your own.

Being a parent the second time round requires special sense and a lot of grace. You require resources other than your own. Nowhere else can you find strength to cope than from the presence of God. God brought forth a Son, Jesus Christ, then eventually by faith in Him, we become children of God. God can become your Father too by your faith. The God of the second time round is able to help you in your greatest of all challenges.

Rev The Hon Dr Gordon Moyes, A.C., M.L.C.

Wednesday, 1st September, 2010, 11:30 am | Editorials, Family Life